Question: I'm really struggling with managing my jealousy when my partner goes on a date with someone else. It's been challenging for me, and I want to find healthy ways to cope with these emotions. Any advice on how to navigate this situation and maintain a strong connection with my partner?
Answer: Let's first clarify the difference between jealousy and envy. While they might seem similar, they actually represent distinct emotions.
Jealousy typically arises in the context of relationships when we fear losing someone's affection or attention to a rival. It stems from a sense of insecurity or possessiveness. On the other hand, envy is a feeling of discontent or resentment toward someone who possesses something we desire. It involves coveting what others have, whether it's material possessions, accomplishments, or personal qualities.
Now, let's move on to the exercise that can help you manage jealousy in a constructive way. The exercise I'm talking about is called the "And Then What" exercise, which I first came across on the Polyamory Weekly podcast (I highly recommend giving it a listen!). Here's how it works:
Imagine a situation that could trigger your jealousy. This scenario will be personal to you because everyone's experiences are unique.
Now, ask yourself, "And then what?"
Once you have the next step in mind, ask yourself again, "And then what?"
Keep repeating this process until the chain of events starts sounding quite silly and unrealistic. Then, do it one more time.
Let me provide an example to illustrate this exercise:
Situation: My partner is on a date with someone tonight.
And then what?
They have a really good time.
And then what?
She wants to go home with him to have sex.
And then what?
They hook up, and she really enjoys it.
And then what?
She wants to be with him instead of me because the sex is better.
And then what?
She leaves me for him.
And then what?
She meets his family.
And then what?
She falls in love with his sister.
And then what?
She runs away with his sister to Oklahoma to open a cat ranch.
And then what?
The cats take over the ranch and start a revolution to take over the world.
As you can see, the chain of events eventually becomes quite silly. The exercise helps you realize that the initial trigger, such as your partner going on a date, is unlikely to lead to cats taking over the world. It's a straightforward yet powerful exercise that you can apply to any situation to gain perspective and alleviate jealousy.
So, give the "And Then What" exercise a try, and you'll see how it can help you navigate through challenging emotions. Remember, it's all about gaining a fresh perspective and finding peace within yourself. You've got this!